The Undecided.

I came back home once again during the Easter break. Dad called, said he was missing me. I was missing him, too.... so... even though I had exams and essays to write for.... I packed a skeletal supply of books and came back to my parents house.

My stay here with my parents hasn't been easy. And finally, after spending a week here.... I've given in.

I feel a really heavy heart typing this. I'm barely an example to live by.... and I'm sorry for that. Especially to anyone who may have been reading this and feeling anything positive from my writings.

I've given up...... and... somehow, I'd rather... give up the man I love... the course I enjoy and the future I wanted to work for than give up my family.

.... I've always known what it meant to sacrifice. I know how happy my parents will be to know I had done this for them, even if they don't really show it. And maybe I'm wanting to earn my place in heaven for this, too.

I am really sad right now... and unfortunately I find this sadness rather familiar. And I have a really heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, too. This house is looking familiar, again.

I realised its all a frame of mind.

I called my boyfriend and told him that he should prepare himself and expect me to stay with my parents. We spoke rather frankly, and... we still told each other that we loved one another. My heart was breaking. It was really breaking. I'd broken my word to him.... and that hurt more than me breaking my word to my parents- more than breaking my parents heart.

... They won me over.... because... they said I owed them a lot. I owed them for the sacrifices they'd made for me. Because of the pain they endured raising me. Because they created me from their own flesh and blood, their own bodies. I am physically a part of them, and I owe them.

Dad asked God for me, and Dad asked God for my brother.

I told them that all I did was tell them the truth. I never told them that I wanted to leave them, I never told them that I hated them, I never told them that I loved my boyfriend more than I loved them. I told them fine, I'll bring my things back from the city- and quit university. I'll... leave my boyfriend. And when I heard them still yelling at each other afterwards, I came downstairs from my room and said, "I told you I'll come back, and I told you I'll do what you want me to do. So why are you still shouting at each other? Where's the problem??" Mum averted her eyes, and... dad... started to cry.

I told them... "If I knew who I was, what I was inside, then I wouldn't be a human being, I'd have been something else altogether [something divine]. If I could answer those questions, and know the answer.... I wouldn't be a human being. All I've done is tell you the truth.... I didn't come here asking for your permission... I've done what I've wanted............"

The ironic thing is both my parents and my boyfriend have been telling me I've been completely brainwashed and I am making a mistake.... honestly... who am I supposed to believe? Who...... what.... am I supposed to do?

I have never felt so torn in my life. My heart was shredding to bits in my chest as I called him up- the man I really love... and told him... asked him to prepare himself not to see me again. I felt so evil. So bad. So.. cruel. So unworthy.

If he ever comes to resent me... to look at me and think "what a mistake" "what a waste of time", in all honesty, it's the logical way to think. When he said to me that he doesn't want to talk about me as an "ex", that one word hurt me so much. I never wanted to be his ex. I still don't want to be.... and I know it'd only be unselfish of me to think... to believe... or hope for.... a kind of future that would mean he'd wait for me.... because I'd... I'm still saving myself for him, just for him, as I vowed I would physically in his presence, I'm saving my heart for him, too. Reserving it. But.... because of who he is, and where he is... he deserves to live his life, with or without me. And... even though I love him so much.... living life as a Bengali woman....... I'm reserved a life of... well. A Bengali Woman.

I wasn't surprised when he said he felt numb. He said it... and he had every right to say it.... he has put up with a lot of shit for me..... and I left him nowhere. I left him alone. He wasn't angry when he said it.. he was just..... sad. Honest.

I've been wondering a lot lately that if what I've been going through was to anyone at all some sort of a game... I wonder if they're having a ball right now. I can't help but wonder it. However.... I know that.... everyone is going to survive. Everyone's going to live on. But... for once in my life.... I know that.... this is a real sacrifice I've made.... whether or not my future changes..... I just......

I give up.

..... I love him so much. I'm so sorry to.... lose him.

... So sorry.

* * *

At one point, my mum brought up a book I wrote as a teenager. She used its title to scorn/ridicule me. She was upset, mad... my mother rarely holds back her anger or disgust. She said that the title of the book said it all- and they should have figured it out then. And I couldn't help but defend it. "The title of the book meant only one thing, mum. Life remains undecided until one day Fate says, "ok, that's it" and chooses for you. That’s all it meant."

.... There's so much I could say right now.... but all I know is that I'm sad. And... even though giving up this fight doesn't prove much about my integrity.....

That's all, really. I don't have much.

...... I hope someone's happy.

* * *

[2.5 weeks later]

... I told my parents the next morning that I couldn't. I couldn't leave my boyfriend, or my course. I wanted to live the life I had created for myself in the city... and my parents were sad again. It breaks my heart even now when I think about it all. I'm back in the city and trying to work. I recently celebrated my birthday and now every time I think about my parents I feel so sad.

I've put on a lot of weight since I started feeling depressed about the whole thing and in the mornings I'm always so tired; so dead. My dreams torture me when I'm awake. I have a hard time focusing on anything. I look up at what I wrote above and I just don't know anymore. I wanted to give up, and I had for 12 hours- the following morning when I told my family I wouldn't go through with it... I just.....

My happiness doesn't actually seem to mean anything, not even to me.

When I came back, my boyfriend was in emotional shell-shock. He wasn't sure how to react, and for a while I was scared that I had lost him. But he's stuck by my side... and still, I'm stuck in limbo again. I told my family I'd go home when my exams ended, and see how the summer goes. I'm afraid that whilst I'm gone, my boyfriend will just give up and leave me because of the emotional crap I've put him through. To be fair, he never knows when I'm going to head off to see my parents again, and when he does know, he's never sure if I'll come back. What am I going to put him through whilst I fight for my independence over the summer? That terrifies me... so much. As far as I am concerned, I'll never have to leave him again after this summer break because I'll have my own flat by the start of next term. But 3-4 months is a long time to spend away from him. And he said it himself, when I go back to my parents place, he'll be "all alone in this flat".

I don't want to do that.

I'm so confused.

I know a girl who left her family in the dark, completely, to be with a non-Bengali, non-Muslim man. She seems fine with it... she's been with him for about 4 years now, and her family have no contact with her, unless she decides to go home. But I don't think they know about her relationship, though. So she's ok with just not telling them, and moving away to a place they can't reach her and working and living her life.... the difference between me and her is... I told my family. I didn't want to leave them behind like that... maybe I was just being naive and stupid. But the thing is, I know a girl who's living with her Bengali, Muslim boyfriend right now but her parents don't know. She's terrified of how either of them are going to tell their parents about their relationship. To cap it all off, apparently their families come from rival villages. I'm wondering, "what the fuck??".

... I've thought about just letting my boyfriend go, and finding a Muslim partner. It'd be easy to do if that Muslim singles site was anything to go by. But... that feels like such an empty thing to say. I'd be doing it for practical reasons and not because I was in love with someone.

It makes me feel sick to think of leaving my boyfriend.

I have no good reason to leave him behind. He's never treated me badly, he's never hurt me, or threatened me. My parents asked me if I was being blackmailed into being with him. They didn't say it outright, but they were asking me if I'd become involved with a drug ring!! What a world they live in.... I don't even know the name of the local nightclub or pub around here, let alone know any one who takes drugs or had anyone offer me any!

I really wish I had someone's hand to hold right now.... someone who was just there for me. Someone to keep me strong. Ironically it can't be my family or my boyfriend. I feel so alone.

I miss my family a lot. And I keep having dreams about my brother turning his back on me. It makes me so sad to think my brother thinks I don't like him anymore. I never see him online anymore, and he doesn't reply to my emails anymore. I think he feels like I've abandoned him... and... I wish he didn't feel that way.

* * *

The last few days have been so great for me. I was on a total high. I wrote an email to my parents telling them that I would come home for the summer. Unfortunately, I'd made that decision on the basis that my boyfriend had been acting a little numb towards me because of the shock from me having (temporarily) left him. When I told him I was going home over the summer time to give him the space he'd asked for when I initially got back, he reacted completely the opposite to what I'd anticipated. He said he didn't want me to go and that he'd miss me too much. So now I'm stuck with having told my parents I'd come home, and my boyfriend not wanting me to leave. This stuff doesn't happen to someone who lives a real life. It shouldn't!! I've been trying to find a way to tell my boyfriend to let me go home and that I won't leave him forever at all, just to go home and repair myself... and my parents.

I'm not sure I can repair anything, though.

My parents sounded so happy when I told them I'd come home for the holidays. I'd told them that whilst I was there I'd obviously not be with my boyfriend. I meant physically. I'm sure they misread me- maybe in a way I wanted for them to, just to keep the peace. And now.... now they're not so sure since they sent me a birthday card and I didn't receive it- they sent it to the address they think I live at, not the flat I actually live in with my boyfriend...

It breaks my heart.

I know everyone's hurting over this but... seriously... does anyone really know how much I am hurting because of this? How much it hurts to be in the middle... it makes me really upset that people think I'm doing this and I'm really happy from it. It makes me upset that people think I enjoy the drama. I really want to laugh at, scream at and hit the people who think that.

I just .... I want my boyfriend to let me go home and make my final moves... and still be there for me when I come back. For good. I want for him ... I want for us to be strong.

I love him so much, you know? I love him so much... and I want to be strong... and unafraid. I want to live this life. My parents wore me down once... and I did give up, if only to realise I just couldn't do it. I couldn't just give up.... and my boyfriend has forgiven me- although I need to use that word very carefully. Maybe, not forgiven me... but just given me another chance. Can't ask for more than that, really....

This is so hard.

So, hard.

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