Lostroad.Org

Peculiar, Stupid And Out Of Place.

I was speaking to my boyfriend over the phone yesterday evening and he mentioned something that made me smile. First off he said this: "I love you". Which is great. Then he said: "I mentioned you to my aunts, recently." That's wonderful; I like that he's comfortable with mentioning me to his family. But then he said this:

"I told them that you're Bengali, and Muslim, and beautiful."

I love that he called me beautiful :) But...

It is no secret that this writer has a particular problem with her identity. In fact it is for this very reason I have this site. It is true- I am by definition Bengali and Muslim. But I certainly don't feel Bengali or Muslim. In fact, looking at my past actions, I have done everything in my power to be anything but those two things.

It brings into question if I will ever accept that those are two traits I can not run away from because a) I look Bengali and b) I was raised Muslim.

In the hit British comedy TV show [+ "Goodness Gracious Me"], there is a sketch involving two very Indian couples who try their very best to seem British, and not Indian.

They change last names from Singh to Singer, or Chaudhury to Copperfield (or something along that line). It is funny to me and I assume other Asians on a personal level because we've all seen the ways people have tried to translate themselves into British copies; It is a parody of the Asian culture existing in the Western World today. No Indian/Asian wants to admit where they came from, and everybody thinks the Brits have it better than any Asian. The characters in the sketches seem odd, dumb and misplaced.

So then, in my own attempts to override my Asian and Islamic upbringing, am I doomed to look just the same? Peculiar.. stupid... and out of place?

Often I'm asked the question: "Do you feel Bengali, or British?"

I could never answer this without sounding circular and pretty damn unsure. Being born Bengali by blood but growing up in England, with minimal of Bengali contact, you'd assume I look Bengali but feel British.

Still, I have a problem with this.

I can't help but think: when I'm asked that question, I have such a hard time answering it. But when my boyfriend gives his aunt's a succinct response when he's asked about me, I wonder why I have such a hard time at all when his answer seems so clear and accepting. Why do I have a problem with accepting what I am?

Maybe that is what bothers me the most: that I am something preconceived, and I never had a say in it. And now that I come to say it, I feel stronger about this notion- the preconceived idea of a Bengali-Muslim woman is pretty unimaginative, stifling and gloomy. I've seen very little in my own life to show me that any Bengali woman who stuck around the Bengali culture ever thrived.

Of course, I'm not upset at my boyfriend for having referred to me as he had. At the end of the day I'm glad he said those things and spoke about me proudly. He has his own reasons to be proud of me.

And I have my own reasons to not be proud of my Bengali heritage. But that, I'll go into another day.

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